The Mask of Perfect: Why Doing It All Stops You From Doing What Matters

Why the drive to appear flawless (and the mental gymnastics behind it) steals time, energy, and progress and what to do instead.

I was recently asked something like... “I’ve always been capable and successful—why would I lower my standards now?” Perfectionism has been her superpower and she was struggling to understand why that was a bad thing.

Her honesty struck me. I, too, spent years believing perfectionism was my superpower. But behind the polished surface? Exhaustion, burnout, and overwhelm.

Perfectionism wasn’t my strength, it was my coping mechanism. It was how I hid my ADHD struggles, overcompensating to appear like I had it all together. I wasn’t showing up from a place of joy, I was spending all of my energy covering up my insecurities.

I threw myself into Pinterest-perfect parties and flawless family photos. I spent money I didn’t have to maintain appearances. I numbed my social anxiety with wine, hoping no one would see how much I was struggling underneath it all.

The cost of my perfectionism was steep: friendships that stayed surface-level, business goals that never moved forward, and nights spent wrestling with shame. I felt unseen, unknown, and deeply lonely.

Everything shifted when I let go of perfectionism. I stopped chasing appearances and started honoring my capacity. I sought support, named my struggles, and found ADHD accommodations that helped me work with my brain, not against it.

The results? More confidence and less shame. A thriving business that aligned with my values. Friendships built on real connection. And most importantly, a calmer, more present version of me—both as a mom and as a person.

In hindsight, I can see how perfectionism was actually limiting me in so many areas of my life. I was spending so much energy hiding my weaknesses instead of investing that energy in things that I naturally do well.

Letting go of perfectionism led me to unlock my creative potential in ways that I never anticipated. By choosing to lower the bar in many areas of my life, I substantially raised the bar in others.

ADHD + Perfectionism

I’ll never forget when I first read Brene Brown’s life changing book, The Gifts of Imperfection. It was the first time that I really began to see my perfectionistic tendencies as something holding me back and not in fact an asset to the people around me. But I didn’t get to the root of my perfectionism until I began to understand the links of my perfectionism with my ADHD.

Honestly, understanding this link and how it impacts so many women with ADHD was one of my main motivators for creating my community. As I read that perfectionism is the #1 comorbidity for ADHD, I realized that there were many women with ADHD who were like me and needed to hear what I had to share.

By that I mean, I saw these memes of ADHD women on the internet who identified as slobs or messy or disorganized and I really didn’t identify with that image. It was as if ADHD meant that your life looked like you were a walking talking version of Pigpen from Charlie Brown.

Don’t get me wrong. My ADHD was deeply impacting my life but my struggles were more behind closed doors. I struggled with spending and money. I struggled with overconsumption and compulsive eating, drinking and spending. I struggled with overcommitting and managing my time. I struggled with managing my emotions and overstimulation. In time, I’ve learned to manage those things and design a life that works for me but only after first addressing the perfectionism piece!

But, if I hadn’t been diagnosed as a child and was presented with this meme of the hot mess, disorganized mom, I wouldn’t have identified and wouldn’t have dug deeper to understand my brain and get to the real root of my struggles. I’d have stayed stuck in these struggles and not learned to manage my ADHD.

I started sharing about ADHD because I knew that women like me who were struggling deeply needed to see a different version of what it looks like to be a woman with ADHD. It empowered me to start sharing on Instagram and continues to compel me because there are many women silently struggling that might not identify with that narrative.

The RSD Link

One important reason why perfectionism is so pervasive in women with ADHD is because of Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD). RSD is a new concept in the ADHD world and is not part of the official diagnosis but is something that many women with ADHD experience.

RSD is the intense feeling you get when you think someone’s disappointed in you even if they they aren’t. Any feeling of rejection or perceived rejection leads to this intense emotional reaction. It isn’t just hurt feelings. For people with ADHD, RSD can feel like sudden, sharp emotional pain: a rush of embarrassment, shame, or rage that comes out of nowhere and throws you off track. It’s not your fault. It’s a wiring thing and your brain is hyper-alert to anything that could signal rejection or criticism, and it reacts like it’s protecting you from real danger.

So, if rejection or perceived rejection brings with it immense pain and discomfort, it makes sense why we’d spend a lot of energy trying to prevent those things from happening. It’s often unintentional and doesn’t even feel like a choice we are making but just basic self protection. We don’t want to experience pain and discomfort, so we control how others perceive us by going above and beyond in every area of life.

But when we are putting all of our energy in to this self-protection and projecting perfection, it leaves very little energy left to actually make progress in our deeper struggles and bigger goals.

Behind the paywall I’ll unpack:

• Why This Keeps Us Stuck

• Share Real Like Examples

• How to Break the Cycle